I admit I need to lose some weight. But I’ve failed repeatedly with all the popular fad diets. Keto doesn’t work unless you can afford a lot of meat and butter. I burned myself with flaming cheese on the Mediterranean diet plan.
And this new beer and pasta diet seems like it might be some kind of scam. I’ve gained 25 pounds in a week, and I’m drunk all the time.
That’s where Slissie comes in! Slissie isn’t a vape. Oh no, it’s a revolutionary lithium ion-powered tube-shaped device that atomizes a mixture of PG and food flavorings that you suck into your mouth.
Wow — sucking on air never felt so real!
I’ve been checking out the company’s YouTube videos to see if the definitely-not-a-vape diet aid might be right for me. The cheapest version is about £20 from the website, so before I kick in for the extra shipping from across the pond, I want to be pretty sure.
“Welcome to a Slissier you,” says their instructional video, before showing the procedures to get Slissie up and running. It looks pretty easy — and hey, who wouldn’t enjoy some flavored air instead of eating actual food?
The five presses of the button to turn Slissie on seem familiar, but I was distracted by the lack of attention the video has gotten. One thumbs-up and two down in nine months…hmm. And the only viewer comment isn’t encouraging:
“I think it’s disgusting the taste is strong and leaves a weird taste in your mouth,” says Amy, who has probably since moved on to PMI’s somewhat stronger — but visually similar — diet aid IQOS.
The company website doesn’t offer much hope either. One user review sits at the bottom of the page, along with another (suspiciously positive) comment above it. On another page are several testimonials, that apparently didn’t count as user reviews.
“We want you to fit back in your skinny jeans, look great, feel great, and be Slissier,” says the company spokesperson in yet another YouTube video. She’s either named Slim Lizzie, or the computer-voiced cartoon character that follows her in the vid is. I’m not sure, and I don’t want to watch it again because I’m suddenly a little afraid.
There’s a lot of cultiness in the Slissie promotional material, but it also looks like a really unpopular cult. And the Amelia Earhart quote on Twitter was the end for me. I mean, Amelia’s plane disappeared in the Pacific Ocean, and she was never found.
I hope Amelia had a box full of Slissies on board — and a stash of inspirational quotes better than, “Slissie helps you do good things more often and bad things less often.” As for me, it’s back to the beer and pasta. Burp.